No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
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I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize