they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
