You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
