I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
where are my eyebrows?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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