After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Drunk is not a location!
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
