You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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