Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Randomize
