thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
