why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Randomize
