I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
nutella sex= disaster
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
