A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
