If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
