you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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