I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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