can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
