No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
True strength comes from lack of pants
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
