You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
