I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
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