Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
