it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
