Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
