I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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