3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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