I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
