How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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