omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
