Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
