Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
