this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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