mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
