Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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