She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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