I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Randomize
