dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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