one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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