Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
