Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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