the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
