I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
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She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
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The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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