it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
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