not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
4 words: hood of his car
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
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I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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