I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
