the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
