apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
