A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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