Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
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