mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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