I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
