Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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