I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
