So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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