I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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