nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
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...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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