highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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