I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
