Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Randomize
